Monday, 28 January 2013

Life & Prozac

I have always been a melancholy girl, prone to lying in the dark listening to Placebo and The Cure, painting my nails black and writing sad things. Of course, sometimes good old fashioned melancholy sometimes tips over into that other, more serious and less time-spent-listening-to-Disintegration-on-repeat thing called: Depression. (I like to use a capital D to distinguish from the "my favourite show got cancelled and there's no chocolate in the house" type of depression that I also often suffer from.)

Over the years I have done the unable-to-get-out-of-bed thing, the cut-myself-off-from-people thing, the give-up-wearing-make-up-because-it-all-gets-cried-off-anyway thing. Right now I'm doing the I'm so used to everything feeling awful that it barely registers with me anymore and I'm pretty good at pretending it doesn't but I'd quite like to be able operate at a vaguely even keel and stop breaking down periodically thing.

I have already (on several different occasions, over the years) attempted the talking-it-out doesn't really do much for me. People (counsellers, psychotherapists, etc.) want to know about your childhood and I want to say, "Hello, my childhood was awesome, I rode my bike into a rosebush and had a Barbie speedboat, now can we discuss the intense feels I had at 2 a.m. last night?"

But I'm 21 and I'd like to have a good time in my twenties, not spend all of it feeling the same way I have since I was 13. Yeah?

So step one: pay many, many visits to the doctor. (Yay, free health care! Props to the NHS!)(Also would it kill someone to throw a couple of Vogues in the waiting room?)

Step two: Take medication every day. Probably try not to forget that.

Step three: Return to doctor when first medication (Prozac) ain't really setting my world on fire.

Step four: Get new pills! Take every day!

Step five: Hope these ones work. Repeat step three if they don't.

Step six: Get my groove back.

Are they having any effect? I don't really know. But there was this exchange between me and my mum the other day:

     Me: I dusted my room earlier.
     Her: Of your own free will?! Bloody hell, those antidepressants must be working.

I know this post has nothing to do with writing and a lot to do with me but I'm a vain lady. And then there's this thing about Depression where you tend to think you're stupid/pathetic/broken for feeling the way you do and so you don't talk about it and hey presto, vicious circle. I write this also because I like reading other people's posts about their various mental illness situations; it makes me feel like being a little loopy is kind of okay. (See this amazing post from Nova Ren Suma's Turning Points series.)

So, we'll see how things go, if I start feeling better or not. (Desperately praying that my melancholy is not what makes me able to write, too--I don't really want to embrace the tortured artist lifestyle. Unless it would make it acceptable for me to drop acid, which I have always had an urge to do for some unknown reason.) Until then I will keep pinning cheesy things like this:


And let's be honest, I'll keep listening to Disintegration on repeat because The Same Deep Water As You is just the best.

So...that's it. Thanks for reading. Super hope this wasn't way too personal.


P.S. On a lighter note, my international giveaway of THE DISENCHANTMENTS is still open :)

Tuesday, 22 January 2013


You guys. This book.

This book has been on my TBR list for a long time.

It was given to me for my birthday, by this gal who I have known for longer than I can remember:

{the one wearing sunglasses}
with this message inside:

{cuteness overload}

So when I finally got around to reading this I was SO HAPPY that it lived up to my expectations. Actually, way surpassed my expectations. 

This a story about best friends Bev and Colby. They're going to Europe after graduation, and after spending the summer touring with Bev's band. At least, that was the plan. Then Bev tells Colby that she's going to college instead and just like that everything changes.

Oh, this story is so painful and sweet and hopeful. The characters--Bev and Colby, their friends Meg and Alexa, people who come in and out and mean a lot or a little--are all so vibrant and different. It's a roadtrip story, where they pass through all these tiny nothing towns, maybe just like the one you grew up in. There is so much music involved, from the girls' band to Heart to Diana Ross to Sleater-fucking-Kinney (heroes). It crept up on me, how much I loved it; I don't think I really realised until I was reading the last page and crying.

You know how much I loved this book? I wrote AND SENT an email to Nina LaCour to tell her about my love. That's right, shameless fangirl alert!

Basically I just want everyone else in the world to read this book and fall in love with it the way I did. Which brings me to...


Yes, you can win this book! Wherever you live in the world, I will send it to you! Because I'm nice like that. So, to enter just leave a comment on this post. About what you would call your all-girl band, where you'd like to take a roadtrip to/through, what the last book you really loved was...whatever. You can just comment saying "I want to win this book!", it doesn't matter. And then I will (literally) put names in a hat and pull them out (I like to kick it old school). How does that sound?

{win me!}

(You don't have to follow me but gee, it'd be swell if you did!)

I have been wanting to do a giveaway for a while, and this just seems like the perfect book to do it with :) How long shall I leave this open for? Two weeks? Yeah, that'll do.

Yay for giveaways! And books that make me cry!

Friday, 4 January 2013

Drafting Daze

So last last Wednesday (the 19th) I finished the first draft of my MS that I'm calling THE QUIETEST KIND but don't hold me to that and I hate calling my MSs anything but blah whatever. Here, let's look at my stats! And Photobooth pictures.

Draft face, day 4

  • I started writing on the 1st of October...kind of. I wrote about 800 words on the Sunday night before so I didn't have to start with a blank page in the morning. Well, it works for me.
  • This draft took 81 days. Out of those 81, I wrote on 62 of them. I don't like to write on the weekends (or Fridays) because I have other things to do like watching Weeds and reading Vogue and watching Weeds and did I mention watching Weeds?

  • So there were 24 days that I planned not to write. And then I wrote on 14 of them anyway.
  • I had thirteen -1k days
  • And thirty-three 1k+ days
  • And fifteen 2k+ days
  • And one 3k+ day!
  • Ooh, a graph:

  • Yeah, I ended up at 94k. Which is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Lots and lots to cut and cut and cut...
  • I wrote in my room at my desk, at the library, at the coffee shop, in bed (on one hand the best idea ever, because it's comfy and warm...and yet, the worst idea ever, becuase you will most likely fall asleep, because it's so comfy and warm).
  • I wrote on days I didn't want to, when I wanted to stay in bed and not do anything at all. I wrote myself out of a really shitty mood, twice. Some days I met my target in a couple of hours, other times it took me all day to get the words out. But I did it!

This was probably my best drafting experience so far, and mostly, probably, because I outlined. So I never had the problem I usually have, which is getting so far and then coming to a complete stop because I have ZERO IDEA what I'm writing next.

Soundtrack-wise: like I've said before, John Mayer's Born And Raised (mostly A Face To Call Home and Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey), plus Stevie Wonder's Ribbon In The Sky and Disclosure's Latch and Childish Gambino's Silk Pillow and Jessie Ware's Running and The Roots' You Got Me.

And as is now my tradition (is three times a tradition? I say so) once I was finished I added to my lipstick collection with this pretty:

That's pretty much it. And probably extremely dull to everyone but me. Oh well.

Onwards, to revisions of THE GIRLS OF HOLLAND FALLS!

Ciao lovelies!