Monday, 28 January 2013

Life & Prozac

I have always been a melancholy girl, prone to lying in the dark listening to Placebo and The Cure, painting my nails black and writing sad things. Of course, sometimes good old fashioned melancholy sometimes tips over into that other, more serious and less time-spent-listening-to-Disintegration-on-repeat thing called: Depression. (I like to use a capital D to distinguish from the "my favourite show got cancelled and there's no chocolate in the house" type of depression that I also often suffer from.)

Over the years I have done the unable-to-get-out-of-bed thing, the cut-myself-off-from-people thing, the give-up-wearing-make-up-because-it-all-gets-cried-off-anyway thing. Right now I'm doing the I'm so used to everything feeling awful that it barely registers with me anymore and I'm pretty good at pretending it doesn't but I'd quite like to be able operate at a vaguely even keel and stop breaking down periodically thing.

I have already (on several different occasions, over the years) attempted the talking-it-out doesn't really do much for me. People (counsellers, psychotherapists, etc.) want to know about your childhood and I want to say, "Hello, my childhood was awesome, I rode my bike into a rosebush and had a Barbie speedboat, now can we discuss the intense feels I had at 2 a.m. last night?"

But I'm 21 and I'd like to have a good time in my twenties, not spend all of it feeling the same way I have since I was 13. Yeah?

So step one: pay many, many visits to the doctor. (Yay, free health care! Props to the NHS!)(Also would it kill someone to throw a couple of Vogues in the waiting room?)

Step two: Take medication every day. Probably try not to forget that.

Step three: Return to doctor when first medication (Prozac) ain't really setting my world on fire.

Step four: Get new pills! Take every day!

Step five: Hope these ones work. Repeat step three if they don't.

Step six: Get my groove back.

Are they having any effect? I don't really know. But there was this exchange between me and my mum the other day:

     Me: I dusted my room earlier.
     Her: Of your own free will?! Bloody hell, those antidepressants must be working.

I know this post has nothing to do with writing and a lot to do with me but I'm a vain lady. And then there's this thing about Depression where you tend to think you're stupid/pathetic/broken for feeling the way you do and so you don't talk about it and hey presto, vicious circle. I write this also because I like reading other people's posts about their various mental illness situations; it makes me feel like being a little loopy is kind of okay. (See this amazing post from Nova Ren Suma's Turning Points series.)

So, we'll see how things go, if I start feeling better or not. (Desperately praying that my melancholy is not what makes me able to write, too--I don't really want to embrace the tortured artist lifestyle. Unless it would make it acceptable for me to drop acid, which I have always had an urge to do for some unknown reason.) Until then I will keep pinning cheesy things like this:


And let's be honest, I'll keep listening to Disintegration on repeat because The Same Deep Water As You is just the best.

So...that's it. Thanks for reading. Super hope this wasn't way too personal.


P.S. On a lighter note, my international giveaway of THE DISENCHANTMENTS is still open :)


  1. Such a great post Becky. It's brilliant that you can be open about these things and can share them with the world, if more people were open about how they feel then maybe the world would be a better place. Good luck with everything, and we all know The Cure and Placebo rule :D

    1. Well this is the most open I've ever been, and even though it's scary it's also really good :) and yeah, they do rule!

  2. Thanks for sharing this with us, Becky. I think openness about Depression is both helpful to you, but also to those you share your story with. Some months back, I ran into all kinds of problems with anxiety (curiously, this only started once I started writing to get published) that was affecting my health big time. Like you, I had a very happy childhood. I've racked up my fair share of regrets, and I'm WAY too hard on myself (I tend toward perfectionism), so it was bound to manifest itself in my health. The anxiety hasn't been too bad these days, but there's always the fear that it will rear its ugly head. I hope these meds do the trick for you, Becky! :)

    1. Thank you Jaime :) Sorry to hear about your anxiety problems--I know how that feels! But glad to hear things are better for you right now, and hopefully I'll be able to say the same about myself soon :)

  3. Just wanted to let you know you're awesome and I'm rooting for you :)

  4. Thanks for opening up! I went through a period of this in my early 20s. Talking it out didn't help me at first, either, but bit by bit those stupid questions about my childhood did finally come full circle and show me some self-esteem and trust issue stuff I didn't even realize were there (I, too, had a great childhood).

    Keep taking the meds, DON'T stop.

    In my experience, being Depressed does NOT make one a better writer. I find I can write about the dark and black moments in my character's lives much better when I can see the light at the end of their tunnels that they can't. I couldn't do that when I was Depressed.

    Also, don't drop acid. Seriously. Not to sound like a stuffy old person or after school special, but, you know...don't. Especially when you're Depressed.

    1. Have reread my comment and realize I sound very judgmental. Sorry, didn't mean to. Now, I don't know how to sign off without sounding like an arse. Maybe a generic yearbook quote?

      Have a bitchin' summer

    2. Haha, just kidding about the acid thing! (Of course :))I am way too much of a good girl to actually do that. I don't even drink anymore!

      I hope you're right about the writing--that is my greatest, albeit irrational, fear :/ but I'm sure it'll all be fine :)

      Yearbook quote...keep on keepin' on!

  5. I went through the EXACT same thing (and still do every so often) in my twenties so I hear you. I really and truly do. I worked hard and now I am good for the most part....just keep pinning cheesy things and being awesome! xoxo

    I love your blog by the way! New follower here :)

    1. Thank you so much :) It is hard, but I'm trying!